We totally almost died last night . . .

We made it to the restaurant last night. It was good. But then we went to some bars in downtown Portland. Fine. The problem came when we made the decision in a cab not to go back to our hotel, but to go to a place called "Joqs." I shit you not. We bought a drink and quickly decided that, since the average age at the place was about 45, we would call a cab again and go home. But then, while Dallas was in the bathroom, some guy who was sitting by himself started talking to me. He was from California . . . he was visiting his mother . . . his girlfriend had just gone off with some guy . . . he was planning on sleeping on the street that night because his mother didn't want him in the house . . . he would suck our cocks for $30 . . . WTF!?

So Dallas and I tried to leave quickly. We decided to walk since we were pretty close (we thought) but then the $30 cocksucker followed us out! He was actually a good conversationalist and had grown up in Portland so he was a welcome distraction . . . until he casually showed Dallas the knife he keeps on him. I quickly decided that we should go to the 7-11. I figured I could either get some money there that the cocksucker would take in lieu of cocksucking payment, or I could buy some beer to buy him off. The beer worked. Dallas told the dude to pick out what he wanted. He got some Steel Reserve and a six pack of some stupid Pacific Northwest bullshit (they don't drink Yuengling Lager here, apparently).

The cocksucker still walked with us for a few blocks. I made sure I carried all of the beer (Dallas and I bought some too) in case I needed to hit him over the head with it. I thought I might need to at some point but then the dude got the point and headed off, with his beer, to find his "girlfriend. " We went off to drink the PBR tall boys we bought at the 7-11 for ourselves. All was well, until we got a little lost. We got back, though, and now Dallas is massively hungovger. He's passed out on the Thriftlodge Portland's lovely African-print comforter as I write this.